Underground indie rock or underground heavy metal shows are not like mainstream rock shows. Security isn't paid to protect you, but to protect the club from you and to kick you out if you damage anything or act like you're on drugs. If you want to enjoy the music, and it is some of the most vital music in rock, you'll want to follow some basic rules:
- Bring nothing but your wallet and keys. If you get frisked by security, or someone else does something stupid, you don't want to be holding anything. Leave the drugs at home or get a hotel room nearby with your friends, and taxi over.
- Don't drink until you're obliterated. If you want to have a few beers, who's going to complain? But know your limits. That fun stunt you thought wouldn't make you look like a drunk idiot will make you look like a dangerous drunk idiot to security, or to the guy who decks you with a haymaker because you were being a drunk idiot.
- Mosh? Going into that pit is like signing a contract that says you're not going to blame someone else for causing you bodily harm. It can also be a load of fun. The rules are: try to bounce other people off you, not hit them. Forgive others when a misplaced elbow makes chin contact. And finally, if someone falls, pick them up before they get trampled.
- Security guys are underpaid and are used to every excuse in the book. The time to make peace with them is before an incident starts. If two guys start fighting, back up and make it clear you're not involved. If the guy next to you suddenly coughs cocaine all over the stage and starts barfing blood, do the same thing.
- I recommend showing up early to get a good parking space, and leaving nothing visible in the car at all. Homeless people sometimes take a shine to your old sweater if it's a cold night out, or wonder if those fake Oakleys are real.
- Suppose something goes really wrong, and the cops show up. Even if you have a grudge or well-reasoned complaint against our law enforcement officers, now is not the time, when they are outnumbered and surrounded by a potential riot. Be polite, sit down quietly away from any incident locations, and get out as quickly as you can, because if mayhem happens, they're going to start taking people out.
- Club personnel are in this job because it's a lifestyle, and don't get paid much. It won't kill you to be polite, but don't be a chump. State your request, be friendly, and move on.
- The bathrooms may be a disaster before the show, but they're usually a compost pond by halfway through. If something needs to happen in your excretory tract, make sure it happens before you arrive at the show.
- How to make a band happy: bands get paid the least for CDs and tshirts you order online from a third party store, a little more for CDs and tshirts you order from the label, still a bit more from tshirts and CDs you buy at the club, and a little bit more for tshirts and CDs you order from their web site. What makes them the most cash is when you find them after the show and buy the shirt or CD from them there, because they don't have to pay the club or label a cut.
Follow these basic instructions and you'll be a productive and happy member of the audience, and no harm will likely come to you. Think of it as a new form of etiquette for places where you might not expect standards to apply, but because they're inherent to human behavior, they do.
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Vijay Prozak was a heavy metal DJ in Los Angeles for six years and continues to write about metal music at the improbably-named Dark Legions Archive. He believes in enjoying extreme metal if not responsibly at least in such a way that everyone rational can enjoy it.
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